And just in case you thought the fun was over as you sit at home bored, more courtroom below and ahead.


            “You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background,” sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.

            “If I wasn’t under oath, I’d return the compliment,” replied the witness.

            A diminutive lawyer, appearing as a witness in one of the courts, was asked by the opposing attorney, who was a giant 6’8,” what he did for a living.

            The witness replied that he was a lawyer.

            “You, a lawyer?” said the huge attorney, “Why I could put you in my pocket.”

            “Very likely you could,” replied the other. “But if you did, you’d have more law in your pocket than you ever had in your head.”

            “Your Honor, in the first place, as they say, I am going to say it. I was going to say what you said and the reason I am going to say it, is not because you just said it. If you had not said it, I was going to say it first.” — A lawyer speaking to a judge.

            A lawyer cross-examined the adversary’s main witness.

            “You claim to have stopped by Mrs. Edwards’ house just after breakfast. Will you tell the jury what she said?”

            “Objection, your Honor,” shouted the other lawyer.

            There then followed a long argument between the lawyers as to whether the question was proper. Finally, after 45 minutes the judge allowed it.

            “So,” the first lawyer continued, “Please answer the question: What did Mrs. Edwards say when you went to her house after breakfast on December 3rd?”

            “Nothing,” said the witness. “No one was home.”

            The judge admonished the witness.

            “Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?”

            “I do.”

            “Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?”

            “Sure,” said the witness. “My side will win.”

            A true story from a prospective jurist, who writes that it occurred during her stint of jury duty:

            The first lawyer questioning us began right off as an intimidating showman. When he came to his question, “Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?”

            Before the pause became too long, the judge announced, “I do.”

            Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?

            Defendant: No, I did not.

            Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?

            Defendant: Yes, I do. And they’re a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder.

            A witness was called to stand to testify about a head-on automobile collision:

            “Whose fault was this accident?” the lawyer asked.

            “As near as I could tell,” replied the witness, “they hit each other at about the same time.”


            The above quotes are from: Disorderly Conduct – Verbatim excerpts from Actual Court Cases.

            Jim Porter is an attorney with Porter Simon licensed in California and Nevada, with offices in Truckee and Tahoe City, California, and Reno, Nevada. Jim’s practice areas include:  real estate, development, construction, business, HOA’s, contracts, personal injury, accidents, mediation and other transactional matters. He may be reached at or Like us on Facebook. ©2020